enough

lately, i've been struggling with my morale. although being at home was great, i got to see many friends over break - in lincoln, kearney, and wayne; eat fish with dad's family; go shopping with mom and grandma mary; and just "be," i was in the funk. and it worried me. it worried my mom more. even my friends down here were asking what was up... "ash, you just aren't as happy as you used to be. what is going on?" jessie and i talked about it and i realized my feelings could be summed up :

i've been struggling with feeling like i'm not ______________ enough.
fill in the blank with anything and i've felt it: not pretty, thin, smart, popular... etc... just not good enough.

the most frustrating part of it was, though i felt these things, i knew i shouldn't because these things don't matter and if they did, still aren't true....
-i've been dwelling on the weight i've gained since being down here. my clothes don't fit as well as they used to. i don't feel confident in them. i don't want to buy new clothes in a bigger size.
-this week i've gotten a couple test back and was incredibly disappointed in the grades. below average. not good enough.
-i didn't get the student ambassador position. fake, phony baloneys that people don't really like that much but kiss up did.
-no boyfriend. 8 friends getting married? 3 babies? while i am excited for friends, i felt left out, not lovable, not pretty...

not. good. enough...

then i talked with my mom this morning.
"ashley, it's satan."

duh
why else would i feel so terrible about myself? why else would i buy into the lies?
he took advantage of my vulverablity. my desire to be perfect. or should i say "perfect."

i was attempting to make myself feel better by spending time justifying bad days with material pick-me-ups, instead of the only thing that can fill the voids... instead of spending 20 minutes in prayer, or reading scripture, or doing good for others. i was essentially spiritually stupid.

now that i'm aware of it, i feel like a burden has been lifted. after i hung up with mom, i spent some time in prayer. as i opened my books, i opened a spritual radio station on itunes and heard this song... REALLY listening to it. exactly how i felt. and exactly what i needed to hear... Walk on Water